Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Goin' Bananas

End of year paperwork, packing up and cleaning the classroom, dealing with kids who are already DONE with school and DO NOT listen, coping with Swampbutt and crabby kids in a hot school, making awards and giving them at the awards assembly, dragging school stuff home, wondering what I'll be teaching next year, counseling appointment, acupuncture appointment, getting car and clothes ready for going out of town, getting blood drawn (4 sticks!), slamming shots into myself, lining check with Dr. AA, obsessively staring at the calendar, trying to get a little exercise.

One week from right now, I'll be pregnant.

But right now, I'm going bananas!
113

Monday, May 30, 2011

Turn, Turn, Turn

This came up on shuffle today.
When I heard it I stopped wondering why my baby died and hers lived. Maybe someone else needs to hear it tonight too:

video

A time to plant:
112/365

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Take A Guess

Guess what I did today:

111/365
110/365

Kitchen Paint

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Killdeer Baby

I think this is the most photographed bird family in the history of our farm.

109/365

109/365

Friday, May 27, 2011

Grant's Farm in Pictures

My class at Grant's Farm:
First Grade at Clydesdale

I think this is my favorite pic from today:
Latajhia and Anthony on Tram

Calise was one of only a few students who didn't freak out in the goat pen:
Calise feeding Goats

One of my students got called onto stage at the animal show:
Denim in Rat Challenge 2

Denim got a prize for going on stage at the animal show:
Denim with Toy Rat 2

This little guy kept checking out his reflection in my lens:
Jordan

Bus Ride Home:
Bus Ride Home

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Room With Potential

I can't believe I'm about to share this.
Yayas, you may want to look away for this one.
Really!

It's a picture of my "back" room. It's a shameful mess. My grandmother is spinning in her grave right now. Doesn't it look like the beginnings of hoarding?

I was thinking it's a metaphor for my life. Once it was my "office" it was fixed up and although I wasn't really satisfied with the decor, it was ok looking.

For a while, just like me, it was full of an exciting kind of potential. Just the weekend before the sad, bad thing happened, I had emptied out the secretary in the corner and was planning on soon getting help moving the big stuff out. Dreaming about moving a crib in.

Now it's a wreck, just like me.

Full of leftover junk from the kitchen remodel, Christmas presents that haven't found a home, crap that fell out of the closet that I was too lazy to pick up, Dollface's art supplies and toys, Sweet Pea's ultrasounds and memory box, bookshelf emptied of my books and waiting for baby's stuff, photography stuff, tech stuff, FET paperwork, school stuff.

Everything's in there. It's a mess, just like my life. I can't tell if I'm going forward or backward. I can't get this room together and I can't get myself together either.


Perhaps there is still potential though.



Let's call these "before" pictures, be on the look out for "after" soon:

Back Room

008

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Canceled Fieldtrip

Our field trip to Grant's Farm was canceled due to tornado warnings in the area. Thirty minutes after it was canceled, the clouds pushed off and it became a nice day. I had to do some Oscar awarding acting to convince those disappointed kids that we would have "fun" staying at school today. We've rescheduled for Friday.

Now it's storming with tornado warnings again this evening. I can't remember a spring with so many seriously damaging tornadoes. I'm told that on Monday when I was seeing Dr. AA the tornado siren went off at school and the kids had to sit in the hallway for about an hour. The part of a ceiling fell in one classroom. My thoughts are with those in Joplin, Missouri. One in five people are homeless due to a big tornado on Monday and over 120 killed. It's not that far from where I live and could easily be my town instead.

One of the younger teachers (EH) approached me to ask if having an HSG hurts a lot and advice on TTC which she's been at for a year. I wish I didn't know all this stuff but I'm glad to help if it spares anyone even a smidge of the crap I've been through. I wouldn't wish this road on my worst enemy.

So instead of cute animal and kid pictures, today you get to see Jae's lunch. I've never known anyone who was such a mono-eater. This has been her lunch everyday this school year. Everyday. And we're closing in on 180 days. It usually includes a granola bar and a diet coke too. Only the type of meat changes.
107/365

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Bike Riding

Again my kids were total brats for the sub. Grrrr. I talked to my principal about it, just wanting her to talk to them. She went above and beyond by requiring them to eat with her in the classroom in silence. It has been so nice to have a principal who supports us this year. She's a good hearted person and I think she's been easy on me in several ways since December because she has sympathy for my situation.

I took my bike out for the first time since August 6, 2010, the day I became pregnant. I love the free feeling of being on my bike with the sweet country breeze in my hair, muscles working, mind unsnarling from the day's stresses. It really was a good feeling to be on the trail again today, but I couldn't help having a little sigh of sadness. I'm trying so hard to look forward and not back and to remain positive.

I went back to try to capture the killdeer on it's nest this time. I was told by a nine year old expert (my cousin's kid) that this is the male and he's less skittish and will actually attack if you approach. He didn't attack but did stay on the nest more solidly than at the time of my last attempt. See the little eggs peeking out?
106/365

Broken Leg Dance:
Broken Leg Dance

Broken Leg Dance 2

Monday, May 23, 2011

My Sweet Little Stragglers

No school for me today. I was grateful to have a day to recover from my girl's weekend in the Windy City. However, the real reason I took a sick day was to have a confab with Dr. AA and his sidekick, Wanda the Dildocam. Everything is quiet on the uterinefront and the doctor spoke confidently of going forward. As an extra bonus, Wanda goosed Madame Red while she was poking around in there so the good lady would finally show herself. Jeez, it seems like I spend a lot of time waiting for her.

Dr. AA and I had a long talk about our embryo report. It is my understanding that I have 2 of "good" quality, 2 of "ok" quality and 2 "stragglers" that probably don't have a good chance. Those are my simplistic words to describe a lot of complicated numbers which I don't really understand. My idea had always been to transfer two at a time until there was a baby or they were gone. However, I got to thinking about my two stragglers. I don't know how many cycles I have left in me emotionally or financially and I CANNOT bear the idea of not giving those two little ones a chance just because I'm finally truly broken and can't go on. My idea was to transfer the two best ones and one of the stragglers this time and if needed all the rest next time.

Well, the good Doctor did not like me using that term "stragglers". I didn't mean anything negative by it. I love those two as much as the rest if not more. Always a soft place in my heart for those who are weaker or struggle.

He talked a long time and used many words to say we just don't know what will happen when any of them are thawed out and there is just as much chance of a baby in the stragglers as in the others. Ummm...I think that was my point. I don't want to (won't) leave them behind. He was very kind about it but said they don't really work by a plan that way. They thaw out two or three and watch them for a few hours and then keep thawing if they have to in order to get two or three to transfer.

Onward, we go. And onward we flow.

I talked it over with Reiki Lady who asked me what number I had in mind for transfer and agreed it would probably be three. I explained about my sweet little stragglers and she said that the third one would "show himself" to the doctor. He would know exactly which one. Again she talked with such confidence on my behalf. I look into her eyes and know she's telling me the truth.

She also said my energy about going forward was mostly positive, only 10 or so percent negative but the negative was a nagging negative. Every time I have a negative thought, I'm to quickly create three positive scenarios from the negative idea. They can even be funny or silly scenarios. I guess that's to help my left brain shut up a little.

Very few images this time, but I did see Mom and I in the hospital just as before. Only this time we were smiling great big smiles. With teeth showing and everything.

You had to know she would show up in the 365 Photograph Challenge sometime, didn't you?
Wanda The Dildocam
My BFF during IVF and FET.
105/365

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Till We Meet Again, Chicago

We started our last day in Chicago at a breakfast place called Hot Chocolate. We knew from the dark, chocolaty, trendy decor that it was a hip place. Of course we had to sample the beverage the place was named after. OMG! (and I don't use that acronym lightly) This hot cocoa was fantastic. Creamy, silky, chocolaty but not too chocolaty, sweet but not too sweet and perfect. I consider myself quite the connoisseur and this is without a doubt the best hot cocoa I have ever tasted. It was served with a homemade marshmallow which sweet and powdery and light. It was like tasting a cloud.

Hot Chocolate from Heaven

After breakfast we made our way to the Brown Elephant, a big thrift store. Kind of pricey, but JS and I both made small purchases. The most unusual thing about the store was the "porn and leather corner". I've never seen that in a thrift store before! They also offered free condoms from a big bowl on the checkout counter. Good to know they are promoting safety with their used leather items!

Through these subtle clues we discovered we were in the "Gay District". I don't know what else to call it. It was a very colorful and bright area. Since I was now accustomed to bobbing around the big city my eyes didn't pop out quite as much as yesterday but there was certainly a lot to see. We shopped a little in a store called Gay Mart. I bought two adorable plates in there. You might see a pic of them on my wall very soon.

Gay District w/ Flags

Lots of cool stuff to photograph:
Bird on the Street

On the way out of town, we stopped at Ikea. There were babies everywhere in there causing me to have a mini panic attack. In trying to flee from all of them (impossible) I got seperated from my friends. Now, I like shopping just as much as the next gal but I wouldn't call it my life's forte. However ...ummm...something strange came over me in this store. I just wanted to buy EVERYTHING and could not stop putting stuff in my cart. I told JS and MB that I was NOT to be allowed inside that store unsupervised again.

I experienced so much this weekend, more than I could ever write about here and I truly cannot remember the last time I smiled and laughed so much. I was glad to be home before a bad storm blew in but so sorry to end our trip and leave my dear friends.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Windy City

I can't begin to talk about all the things we've seen and done here in the Windy City. Just walking around in Chicago is pretty amazing for this country mouse. Everything is so big and tall! Great architecture of every type everywhere you look. People watching is a feast for the eyes here. And all the food has been fabulous even through a stuffed up head and nose.

First on our agenda was Cloud Gate otherwise known as the Bean. Gave off kind of a weird feeling. Here is this HUGE shiny object in the middle of a park and people are just gravitating toward it. I just wished all those people would move out of my pictures.
Chicago Bean

Breakfast at The Corner Bakery and then off to the Navy Pier. There was lots going on there including Armed Forces Day so there were lots of yummy boys in uniform around. All of them looked young enough to be jailbait but you can't get put in the pokey just for looking.

We took a neat and very informative boat ride where the guide talked all about Chicago and sang "Get Your Kicks On Route 66". The entire song. MB got a surprise when a sea gull pooped on her shoulder. We also rode the giant Ferris wheel, fun but kind of scary getting on and off.
Navy Pier Ferris Wheel 5

We saw so many things on Michigan Avenue. Beautiful stores and all kinds of different people, wonderful buildings, a bride and groom running around with their photographer, street performers, homeless people. Scene after scene I wanted to capture with my camera. I had thoughts all day of my other photographer friends and my bro.

Street performers:
Silver Street Performer

A random bride and groom just walkimg around Downtown:
Bride in Chicago

Lunch was a "Cupcake for Courage" on Michigan Avenue:
Cupcake Truck

I'm so happy that my friend, JS, got to visit some of her dream stores and I enjoyed shopping with her especially knowing that I would have missed out on them if she hadn't wanted to go:
Joi in Heaven 2

And a Chicago style hotdog from a hotdog stand on the Museum Campus which was possibly the best hotdog I've ever eaten:
Chicago style hotdog

A very handsome waiter, raspberry mojitos and a fabulous dinner at Carnivale rounded out the evening. Wonderful ambiance, very colorful and artsy decor and Latin music. MB was in her element.

On the taxi ride back to the hotel, JS yet again, made best friends with our driver. He asked her what her nickname for her husband was...and then what her nickname for him during "romantic mood". He was originally from India with an adorable accent. Our friendliest driver so far. He told her his wife's nickname for him was "sugar cane" for romantic mood but "dirty naughty" for Sunday mornings. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Actually we're still laughing about it.

Hello Chi-town!

Field Day at school. A busy and hectic morning but then chilling with a movie and popcorn. Fun for the kids.

Not sure which superhero Krishon is trying for here:
Face Painting

I was anxious for the day to end though because right after school I hit the road with two yayas headed for the Windy City.

I cannot believe that I've lived in Illinois for 39 years and never been to Chi-town till now. I guess these gals got tired of hearing me complain and here we are!

Lots of girly chatting which is exactly what I needed on the way up here.

Then, we hit the big city and I, of course, totally hicked out gawking at all the tall buildings, beautiful architecture and giggling with the girls while Gladys the GPS guided us around and around the city looking for things in the fog. Poor Gladys, I think we drove her kookyballs (yes, that is a JS original phrase)with all the quick turns and up and down one way streets. Or down and up them as we chose.

Dinner at Gino's East Pizza with all that crazy writing on the walls. Yes, the best pizza I've had in a long time. Even a stuffed up nose couldn't dampen the good food and fun.

Watch out, Chi-town! Country is comin' to town!

102/365

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Funeral Rage

I feel so selfish and terrible to be having these emotions on the worst day of my dear friend's life. Even worse writing about them. I know it's not about me but this blog is so bear with me.

I was taken aback at the huge amount of RAGE I felt when I heard that bastard's voice and all throughout the service. I had a serious visceral reaction. I really could have screamed or hit something or thrown up. It's very lucky for me I was with two strong friends who were there to lean on. (Thank you, SM and RO) They kept me grounded and I was able to hold back the worst of the emotions. Also, I kept thinking how the judge wouldn't want any impropriety at this time and I didn't want to embarrass SC or myself.

As we sang, prayed and recited our way through the service, I realized how much I miss the familiarness of the church I was born to. I couldn't get all the way through the old familiar hymns or the Nicene Creed, the words of which will be etched in my memory forever just from the exposure I had to them on a weekly basis my whole life.

I'm furious at that bastard for taking those ingrained traditions away from me. Something which I didn't even realize I was missing. And saddened that I will never experience them again in the same way. Nor will my children.

The new church I've attended occasionally has some lovely hymns and prayers which I'll probably grow to love over time but being a different religion, they're different. I'll never be able to wrap that shawl of familiarity around me and feel the comfort of the words I once said and sang with the solid confidence of faithful generations behind me.

Not that I really know what I believe anymore. I used to think I had a strong faith but now I know something that can be so shaken was never really strong to begin with.

I can visit other Lutheran churches from time to time. I realize that.
It just won't be the same.

Despite my waves of anger and sadness, I recognized that it was a beautiful service and exactly what the judge had wanted. Just the right verses, hymns and eulogy. The preacher said that the judge was not afraid at the end of his life but completely calm only wanting blessings on his family. A testament to a truly strong faith. For SC and her family, I'm glad of this.

As we left the church, we had to walk past him. SM squeezed my hand hard and I just casually turned my head so as not to see him. None of us is in jail for kicking a preacher in the balls so I guess we did ok.

I stopped by the luncheon at a local winery for a few minutes to see SC. I just had to see with my own eyes that she was holding in there and doing ok. Like the strong, beautiful woman she is, she seemed to be doing fine as well as her family members. I know these were two of the worst days of her life, but she's handled them with grace and dignity. The judge is smiling and proud. Love and thoughts always, SC.

101/365
I think this is by far the crappiest picture I've taken so far. It was raining on the way home from acupuncture and I knew I'd be busy tonight and didn't want to worry about taking a photo. The building in the background is the St.Louis Sheridan which I love. This picture doesn't do it justice at all.

Edited so MB won't worry: I was in a huge traffic jam caused by the Cardinal's game getting out so I was completely stopped.

101/365

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Anyway

SC and her mom were the epitome of grace at the visitation and the whole family seemed to be holding up pretty well. My heart just goes out to them. That has to be one of the toughest days to get through.

I'm really dreading the funeral tomorrow. Selfishly, I can't stop thinking about how I'm going to get through it since the jackass is the officiant. I keep telling myself I won't have to have any personal interaction with him. It's really not about me anyway. I want to be there for my friend and her family! This type of situation was bound to come up sooner or later since we live in such a small community. Anyway, that's what I keep telling myself.

100/365
I could hardly bring myself to pick up the camera tonight.
Does anyone see a baby in there?
100/365

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Wishes

I wish I could stop looking back.

I wish I was writing about our birth story or how I was at my wit's end from sharing stressfully sweet sleepless nights with a newborn instead of about dumb birds and stupid barns.




I wish my friends didn't have to be in pain.

I wish people didn't have to die.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Killdeer

These funny little field birds scratch their nests out in the most rocky, dry place they can find. Sometimes it seems that the more hard and uncomfortable the terrain, the better they like it. The mothers are very skittish. She will run away from the nest and start her high pitched calling as soon as anything comes near. If she thinks something is really threatening the eggs she will go into her "broken leg" dance to try and draw it away from the nest. It's funny to watch.

The call is pretty annoying especially if there are multiple birds in a field. I think it's kind of touching that she would try to draw the predator to her rather than saving herself.

This one has built her home near my cousin's warehouse. I was unable to catch her actually on the nest with the zoom lens. I may go back and try again.

These were actually taken yesterday.
Killdeer Closeup

You could really step on these guys, they are so well camouflaged:
Killdeer Eggs

She's on the nest but you can hardly tell because it was with the regular lens and looks so far away. Do you see her way back there by the pink flag?
Killdeer on nest

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tribute To A Classic

Six months ago my dear friend learned her father had cancer. Today he lost the battle and will be greatly missed. My heart cries for you, SC, and your family.

My first memory of the Judge was at a slumber party at SC's house. It was her 10th birthday and the cake said "Congrats Double Digit S". You know how slumber parties go. Soon Dallas was over and it was late at night. A dozen or so giggling little girls were still up and making noise. We were startled by a very deep and loud voice calling down the stairs that it was late and time to go to sleep. You can be very sure that all those little girls went straight to sleep...after a final giggle or two. When SC's Dad said something in that voice, you can be sure as shootin' that it was done. Immediately.

SC's Dad was bigger than life. Physically a big man with a big beard, a big voice and a big personality. Later on I admired his big sense of humor and his big intelligence too. Most importantly, he had a big heart. I always felt welcomed at SC's home or when I was with her family. I admit I was a little scared of him as a child but really grew to admire him as I became an adult. I have so many good memories of the SC's Dad and her whole family.

I was privileged a few times to go on vacation with SC and her family. My 30th birthday happened to coincide with one beach trip. SC's parents cooked a huge Mexican meal for me. I can still taste the "meat pies". Although I was not with my own family, I felt special and I treasure that year as one of my favorite birthday memories.

I think it was during that same beach trip or maybe a different one (I wish I had been blogging back then so I could look back and see) SC's sister decided we would have a talent show for our evening entertainment one night. SC and I did a dramatic reading from the classic book Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss. We were outside practicing and got to laughing hard and very loudly. Pretty soon we were startled by a knock on the window and heard the familiar baritone through the glass door asking WHAT was going on out there. This time being "yelled" at made us laugh even harder.

Our reading was a great success. Everyone had a part, SC's sister played the guitar and sang. I don't recall what talent everyone else displayed but I do remember that SC's parents danced for us. Well, SC's mom danced and her dad...well...there was a lot of movement but I wouldn't call what he was doing dancing. I believe it was supposed to be The Twist but somehow seemed to resemble what I believe a drunk monkey in a hurricane might look like. We all laughed and laughed. I'm giggling now so many years later while I write.

I remember SC's Dad saying repeatedly afterwards how much he'd enjoyed the talent show. He really took pleasure in having his family around him.

Another thing was always big when you were with SC's family...the food. There was always amazing food at their house and a lot of it. The Judge's specialty was meat and it was par for the course to be served multiple types when you were a guest there. There was always such unusual fare along with traditional grilled and barbecued. I remember SC talking about strange and exotic foods such as lamb, duck and beaver (I think?). Experiencing or hearing about these helped stretch my horizons since beef and pork from our farm were only meats I can recall on our table.

The Judge enjoyed the finer things in life and sharing them with others. He had a beautiful library in his home and I remember, as a child, longing to have a wall of books like that when I grew up. He gave me my first taste of port from a hand painted Italian glass. Their extensive pantry was the first place I saw many exotic ingredients such as lemon curd and smoked paprika. Things I thought existed only on TV cooking shows.

I think what I'll remember most about the Judge was his dedication to his family. I've never met a man who cherished his wife more or took better care of her. On our beach vacations he insisted on sitting beside her at every meal. Even near the end of his life, making plans to insure she would be ok, come what may. I know both he and SC's Mom delighted in being with their children and grandchildren. I could see that so clearly during our vacations. I feel very fortunate to have so many memories with this kind and generous family.

SC -- if you're reading, thank you for sharing your family with me. Your dad will be greatly missed by many.

A classic, dedicated to another classic, SC's Dad:
97/365

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday to my mom. To celebrate I took her on a tour of homes in a posh neighborhood in St. Louis. It was a misty, cold day and we were wet and uncomfortable many times. Mom said we looked like drowned rats. I enjoyed it anyway and I hope she did too.

I had to become a ninja photographer because they recommended photos not be taken in the homes. I was surprised and pleased that the few I was able to take turned out because the lighting was pretty dim in a lot of the homes and being ninja I couldn’t exactly stand there and fiddle with the settings or take time to set up a shot. Yes, I am a rebel and a rule breaker. I get these traits from my rebel and rule breaker of a mother who kept trying to sneak open closet doors or the refrigerator or would do the "white glove" test with her finger looking for dust. All in good fun...we were really only playing and had a lot of laughs.

Really, it was a treat to be able to see inside these grand homes build in the 1900's. There is no comparison for the luxurious detail and quality construction in today's houses. It was wonderful to see the care that goes into maintaining and decorating these beautiful old homes. It's hard for this farm girl to imagine real people living in such opulence but I liked imagining who might live in such vintage luxury. Married couple, gay couple, family? I was a detective as well as a ninja looking at personal touches around the homes.

There were a few times I turned around and actually had my breath taken away at what I saw. Rich woodwork, jewel-like stained glass windows, terrazzo flooring….I could go on and on.

Can you believe someone has this window in their home?
Outstanding Stained Glass

Very cool mirrors and I love when there's a contemporary flair in an older home:
Bedroom w/ cool mirrors

A non-ninja photo:
Fancy Mansion

Mom enjoying her birthday beignets:
Mom enjoying Beignets

Friday, May 13, 2011

Spring Musical

Our first spring musical was today and it was so sweet. The music teacher worked so hard with our third graders and they were great! You could tell they were so proud of their little costumes and they actually knew and enunciated their lines and songs. And we could actually hear them because the children in the audience were very quiet and well behaved. Which means I could enjoy the muscial too. Something that does not always happen at our school.

I do need to get better at taking these type of shots though (MB?). Apparently, good or bad, I'm the school photographer now.

95/365

I have not seen the music teacher smile this big in a long time.
Spring Musical

So between the musical, making butterfly headbands with our third grade buddies in the afternoon, the weather being so much cooler and it being the second "on" day for antidepressants my day was pretty good. Whew!

After school Mom brought Dollface over and she mentioned something about "your shot tomorrow".

I had to ask her what she meant.

Ummmm tomorrow's the first injectable for trying again.

My God....this is so far from my thoughts that I could have forgotten.

It's weird...I do think about a subsequent pregnancy and even a healthy full term baby. And I think a lot how I'll handle all of that and if I can survive another sad, bad thing.

My mind seems to be skipping over the actual "work" to be done to even get to the place where I have a chance. So so different. The last time I was all consumed and could think of nothing else.

I'll be really lucky if I don't screw this up somehow.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Better

Thank the Lawd it was a better day today. Half a day with the kids and 5 were absent. Still I'm completely burned out. I teach, I work with the kids, I keep them in order, I give assessments but I feel as so apathetic while I'm there. Like I'm only marking the time. I want to be done.

93/365
Most would say a field of wild flowers is beautiful and aesthetically it is of course. My family knows it means the weather has been poor and the weeds have been allowed to take over. The ground was squelching beneath my feet so it will probably be awhile before they are able to be in the fields.

Crappy angle. I might try again tomorrow.

93/365

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Bird Poop and Butterfly Demise

I forgot to mention a bird pooped on my head yesterday. First thing on a Monday morning. I should have known at that point the week would be shitty.

The kids were bananas today and it was so hot and humid that I really had no patience at all. This one day a week I get two thirty minute prep times but not today. The librarian was absent and the PE teacher could not have PE because it was rainy and there was spring musical practice in the gym. Yep, six and a half hours with no breaks...just one cranky teacher with 16 crabby, hot, crazy kids. Recess was like a war zone. I feel like I spent the entire 30 minutes just walking around stopping scuffles, yelling at kids not to climb on the fence or use the jump rope as a restraining device or telling them to stop "play" fighting. It was chaos. I'm not sure what is happening to these children...it's like they're becoming animals.

Krishon handed me a battery saying he'd found it at his house. I just put it in my pocket and forgot about it. Later on, I was administering a reading assessment and started feeling a warm spot on my abdomen. I was already so sweaty that I thought I must have some little spot that was chaffing or something. It got warmer and finally was uncomfortably hot. I didn't want to stop the reading test so I put my hand in my pocket thinking I would at least rub the spot. Poor Lauryn looked quite alarmed and I was also surprised when I jumped up, pulled the very hot battery out of my pocket and yelled, "My GOD THAT IS HOT!" while throwing it down on the table. Guess I'll be retesting her tomorrow.

We had an unexpected demise. We've been raising butterflies in our classroom and they hatched out of their crysalides last week. Today I heard the kids talking over at the mesh butterfly "pavilion" saying, "Oh look, one of them is sleeping. See it laying on it's side." I immediately knew something was terribly wrong. Sure enough. One of the butterflies had gone on to butterfly heaven. I wasn't sure if the food supply was running out or what so we had an emergency release of the remaining painted ladies. I managed to flip the plate the food was on over onto the "sleeping" butterfly so the kids were not aware and I didn't have to have that talk with them.

Second day off of antidepressants and I'm not sad but the speed my mind turns is starting to accelerate and I'm beginning to be plagued by negative thoughts. Especially concerning the upcoming cycle. How to slow those down? I know there is a strong connection between positive thinking and a good outcome. I'm just not sure how to force myself to become positive.

I came home, ate an entire bag of chips (yes the whole thing and not a cute little bag either), got a "check in" phone call from one of my besties, a visit from sunny Dollface, took a rather aggressive walk and now I'm cooling off in the A/C and do feel much better.

I'm sure ready to get off this damn roller coaster though.

92/365 (actually taken yesterday with my old point and shoot)
Acupuncture
92/365

Monday, May 9, 2011

Buckle Up

One reason I will not be able to be a teacher for my entire career:
Today a girl came up to me and said she had found this note and she handed it to me. The note went on about how the writer wanted to "take it to the next level" and "get married on FB". I would have brushed it off but on the back it said "I want to put my dick in your ass."

Yes, you read right. Appalled, I launched a grand inquisition (during time that should have been spent teaching) including taking handwriting samples and involving the principal. I do not know where a first grader would hear this kind of language but it is clear to me that he is seeing or hearing inappropriate things.

It would be one thing if this was a one time thing but something like this comes up too often at our school. A few weeks ago a boy (not in my class, thankfully) told a girl she should suck his "penis". They talked to the older brother who told them that the mom and sister thought the first grade brother was taking off the 1 year old's diaper and "freaking" on her.

WTF!!! You "think" your son is "freaking" on your infant granddaughter? And clearly you were talking about in front of the third grader. Ummm don't you think you aught to be DOING something about that little problem in the family dynamics?!

There are a lot of days I ask myself what the hell is wrong with some people.

I am sickened. Horrified and sickened. Even after 13 years of working in the ghetto I am not hardened to this sort of thing. These are beautiful, intelligent children but they're not cherished or protected the way children should be. It's too hard on my heart....I'm not sure how many more years of this I have left in me.

It's the first week of tapering off the antidepressants. This week I take one two days in a row, then off two days. Next week, I take one every other day and the final week every third day. I start Lupron on Saturday.

Buckle up, people....it's going to be a bumpy ride.

91/365 (actually taken yesterday)
Every time I see this sign in the grocery store, I think the words are backwards. It should read "NEEDS BABY".
91/365

Sunday, May 8, 2011

My First Mother's Day

It wasn't too bad. A bit of a mopey feeling during the day. Moppy? Moppey? You know what I mean...it certainly wasn't about cleaning floors. And of course missing my boy who should be about two weeks old and in my arms by now.

I waited until this morning to invite the family over for supper. I just wasn't sure what kind of day it would be for me. I texted E and C. E called I thought he said they would try to come by. But they didn't. When Mom came she said C had invited her family over to their house. I'm not sure why E didn't say that. I realize it was a last minute invitation but I was here with all this food and only my parents came to eat it.

Mom and I were both in pretty good spirits. Dad was mowing the alfalfa behind my house so hopped off the tractor to eat with us. It was a good visit. I sent a lot of leftover food home with them.

I feel so lucky to have both my parents in good health. They might not always get along with eachother but they are always there for me, each in their own way.

C and I went in together and gave her tickets for all of us girls to see the Sing Along Sound of Music. This has always been one of our favorite films. She really seemed excited about it and was even talking about coming up with a costume.

The Strongest Person I Know:
90/365


Two Mamas Being Silly:
Two Mamas


Edited:
I just found out that other teacher had her baby today.
On Mother's Day.
Really?
REALLY?
Everytime I think I'm doing ok something like this happens.
Why?
WHY?
I'm really wondering if I'm the butt of some huge cosmic joke.
Someone out there must be really laughing.
Eff it....
I hate Mother's Day and I wish everyone would just shut up about it.