Sunday, May 30, 2010

Haha Hoho Hehe

So today started off pretty well, I put on some music and had to laugh when I hit shuffle on my ipod and this song:

video

popped up. I really had a chuckle. Haha, hoho, hehe. Considering I wrote about feeling mentally ill yesterday. I had a pretty good morning. Got a lot of things done on my list. I was really looking forward to taking the girls to the drive in movies tonight and the zoo tomorrow.

Around noon C called to say that Stretch had gone to a water park with a friend and she wouldn't be able to go to the drive in with me as we had planned, but did I still want to take DollFace. She said Stretch had spent the night with this friend and the mom had just taken them to the water park and C didn't know about it until now when she'd just called. I'm really doubting this is true. Would a mother just take another child somewhere like that without asking the other mother's permission? I know this is a new friend for Stretch. Anyway, I was very disappointed. It seems I'm always the one brushed aside.

Biggest Loser style I went for a walk and decided to really push myself.

I fell down.

My ankle gave way and I fell down. I was on the bike trail, no one around, what could they do for a person of my size anyway? I'm relieved there was no one to see me start wailing. It was just more than I could take. Road rash on knees and hands, ankle throbbing I made my way back home. I think adrenaline kicked in because it hurts more now. It's probably minor, be ok in a day or two. The worst part is that I won't be able to take the girls to the zoo tomorrow as I had planned.

Now, even though it's 5pm, I've showered, taken ibuprofen and I'm in my jammies.

Can this weekend please be over. Soon.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Crabby Pants

A discontented, crabby day. What the heck is wrong with me? It is as though those things that usually make people happy have the opposite effect on me. Here I have a few days off and today seemed so long, I would start something and then become disinterested. C had invited me to their campground to hang out at the lake but I didn't go. The house is a pit but I didn't do any cleaning other than dishes. I am so fed up with my eating program, I want to quit. I've been forcing myself to eat things I don't really care for because they are good for me. I would tell myself it's like medicine and I'd down the vegetables. It was fine while I was at work, but here, with nothing to distract me? Yuck! I only gagged down a few bites of lunch and was having mad, mad cravings and was so hungry and literally unable to distract myself. I finally downed a spoonful of peanut butter but that didn't stop me. Only a kitkat did that. Why do I make it so drastic? I always do this and I always fail. grrrrrrrrrrrr I feel mentally ill and not myself.

I don't understand what happened? Yesterday I was so relaxed and feeling good about becoming healthier. Today I'm on Crazy Train. I'm making a list of things to do tomorrow. And I have to figure out what to do about my meals. I can't just keep eating stuff I don't like.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Last Day Of Preschool

Dear DollFace,

Today was your last day of preschool. I wanted to tell you about the happy experience I've had of picking you up from school several times a week. When school started, I thought you were such a brave little girl going off into the unknown on your own. You had never been in daycare or school before and in August you began not one but two new schools. Daycare in the morning and preschool in the afternoon.

At first, when I picked you up you would be so tired you would cry and cry for your mommy, but after a few weeks (and bribery with gum) you were happy to see me. When you saw me waiting at the front door of the school you would smile your pretty smile and hurry to jump into my arms. I would say, "How is my favorite 5 year old?" As we walked to the car you would hold my hand and jump over the lines on the parking lot "1, 2, 3, Jump!" you would shout. I would ask questions about your day. I guess I asked the same questions too many times because one day you said, "You know how you ask me those questions all the time, all the time, all the time? It annoys me!". I had a good laugh and tried to vary my questions after that.

On the way home, we liked to play word games or sing songs. Your favorite game was called "Thinking of an Animal". I would think of an animal and give you clues about it and you would guess which animal I was thinking of, then it would be your turn. Your first clue was always, "I'm thinking of an animal that is on Madagascar!". After a few weeks of this, I would shout "Nooooo! Not Madagascar!" when you were saying it. That made you laugh every time.

Another game you liked was "The Rhyming Game". We took turns choosing two rhyming words. We would say, "cat, sat, they both say at". You became good at rhyming through playing that game. We also sang songs and nursery rhymes on the drive home. Some of your favorites were: The Wheels on the Bus, Five Little Pumpkins (which we were still singing at Easter time), The Pizza Song, Baa Baa Black Sheep, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Itsy Bitsy Spider.

Many times when we got home we would walk over to Paw Paw's farm where you were interested in everything that was going on, from tractor repairs with your dad, milking cows with Paw Paw or gardening or crafts with Maw Maw. This was especially fun in the spring when there were 4 litters of kittens and a flock of baby chicks to check on. You never tired of playing with the babies. Only for you and your sister would I climb the ladder into the hayloft to visit two of the litters.

When we stayed at my house, we would play Hide and Seek and you loved to hide in my ottoman or under the comforter and when it was my turn to hide you would panic if you couldn't find me right away. After a while I would always hide in the shower so you could find me easily. You also liked to "help" me in the kitchen and would often ask to bake cookies. You loved to play with my cat and dog. I had you convinced that I knew what my animals were saying. Zoe would meow or Clara would come to see what we were up to and you'd ask me, "What did they say?" You really tried to "hear" what they were saying too.

This was your favorite toy at my house:
This was one of your favorite books:
You were always a happy, funny, loving child but sometimes you were ornery too. You always seemed to be able to find a permanent marker and one time you wrote on my computer screen. You loved to jump on my bed and roughhouse. You would bicker with your sister, who you called your "stister". You had no interest in learning to tie your shoes or ride a bike and you were stubborn about it. When I asked you when you were going to learn, you would say, "When I grow up."
Now I feel like you have grown up, ready to go off to Kindergarten. I have really enjoyed being your Aunt this year and I will miss our after school time together. I can't wait to see the smart, sweet school kid you will become.

I love you very much,
Your Aunt Paige

It's Official, I'm A Cyclist!

I did it! Today after four false starts, I not only set the alarm, got up and got dressed but I actually got on my bike and rode it. Finally! I didn't go very far but I didn't push myself either. I wanted to start with a short distance so that in the future I can gauge how far to go in the time I have. I did it!

Last day of school! I really need a break. My co-workers were on my nerves big time this week. Or I could have just been grumpy because I've been waking up an hour early each day and it's been very hot in the school building. Now, four glorious days off....

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Weary Wednesday for Real This Time

Wow....did I really do this? Did I really title my blog post Weary Wednesday, when it was actually Tiring Tuesday? There must be a lot going on for me to make a goof like that. Today was the last day with kids at school. It was a fun celebration day with different stations set up at a nearby park. I woke up convinced it was Friday and got really upset for a few seconds when I logged onto my bank account and saw that my paycheck had not been deposited. I feel like such a moron.

Still doing well with eating healthy. Again got up at 4:45 and did not get on my bike. Tomorrow I'm going to try putting my clothes right by the alarm clock. My goal is to get up early and ride my bike or walk every day of summer school. I know if I can do that, I'll be able to lose weight this summer instead of gain weight like I usually do over summer vacation. It's one of the reasons I signed up to teach summer school.
I'm really enjoying my tiny nighttime treat: As a lifetime connoisseur of M&Ms, I do believe these are the best variety yet.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Weary Wednesday

Whew! Lots going on. I've packed and moved everything I need to at school. Summer school stuff in my friend's office, third grade stuff a classroom and stuff for home in my car. My school does not have air conditioning so let me tell you there was a lot of heave ho and sweat happening on this 90 degree day.

This is the second week of my six week grad class that meets every Monday and Wednesday evening. The professor really is an expert in reading instruction and assessment and is very demanding. She's also written her own book and is an egomaniac. One night we watched 10 year old video of her giving assessments for two hours.

There's not much time to do the work between classes so I've been busy. We write a lot for class so I'll probably be writing less here on my blog. Not much going on in infertility world. Just waiting for my new calendar.

I've done well with eating so far this week....a whopping two days in a row but you have to start somewhere, right? I've gotten up both mornings at 4:30 thinking I would take my bike out. One problem....it's pitch dark at 4:30. This morning I tried to peep out the window periodically. I was intending to get out of bed, when it was bright enough to navigate outside, but I dozed off. Tomorrow I'll try 5:00. I really want to do this, but I guess I'm a little scared. Out on the open road in the near dark, no one else around. Yikes!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Monday Menu

Sooooo.... I ate crappy all weekend long. Really, really crappy. I don't know what happens on the weekends, it's like eating is my only way of letting loose, my only entertainment.

Here is my intended menu for tomorrow:

Breakfast: banana and milk
Lunch: Chicken noodle bowl w/ edamame, broccoli, yogurt covered raisins
Snack: granola bar
Supper: apple, peanut butter, string cheese, almonds
Snack: 1/2 little bag of m&ms

Deliberately light because I ate so, so much today and I have my grad class in the evening so I will have no time to eat a real supper.

I can't believe I'm going to do this, but I'm also intending to get up an hour early to ride my bike. No idea if I'll be able to get up that early or if it will be light enough, but I'm going to try. My coworker Amanda gets up an hour early and goes to the gym, if she can do, I can. Or at least try.

I'm hoping disclosing all this here will hold me accountable.

If getting ready to conceive doesn't inspire me to be healthier, what in the world will?

Friday, May 21, 2010

Third Grade

Looks like I'll be teaching third grade next year. I was very surprised when the principal told me and I'm not too excited about it. I cried for a minute when I told Becky about it. I have loved every moment of being a reading teacher and truly feel it's what I was born to do. I hate, hate, hate that so much education funding has been cut this year. I really, really thought I was going to be teaching first grade next year. I just feel that I'm better with younger students and there's the terrible ISAT testing in third grade and they have worse behavior issues. I will be teaching on a team with someone who is the complete opposite from me. Picture a young, high maintenance, conceited, party girl. I'm full of doubt about the whole situation. I keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to be employed.

Good thing there is donor news to pick up my spirits! Connie from the clinic called to tell me to start back on birth control and to discuss future medication. I knew my new donor had donated previously and I asked about the results. There were 30 eggs retrieved, 28 matured and they were able to freeze 11 embryos. The recipient is currently pregnant with twins. I think this is all very good news! The retrieval was April 9th. That was not very long ago. I asked both Connie and Dr. A if a recent donation back in April would effect the outcome of my donation and they both said she should be fine to donate again in July. I believe them, of course, but you know I'll be googling it up tonight.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Shazzam, Part 2

I'm feeling a weird deja vu. Remember this? Replace 5 days early with 7 freaking days early. And that it all seems closer but not really. There is something to be said for having at least gone part way through a donor egg IVF cycle before. I'm much calmer, almost lacking any feelings at all. It could just be exhaustion but it just seems like something to get through so I can eventually get to the main event.

The three day marathon is over and tomorrow is Friday. I've just spent 2 blissful hours on the couch catching up with my blogfriends and chatting with new friends. Ahhhh, so good to be home.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Prayer for Cal'Asia

You just never know what may happen in the course of a day. Today we learned that the mother involved in this incident had a heart attack and died. Apparently Cal'Asia was there when it happened. What more can a child bear? She's come from such a rough home and has so much to overcome. I'm afraid I'll sound harsh and callus and I know the loss of a mother is a heartbreaking thing...but maybe she'll end up better off without that horrible woman in her life. I'll be saying an extra long prayer tonight.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Busily Not Thinking

Two days of a three day marathon are over. I am wiped out. So much needs to be done at school. Pack up old stuff, attend transition meetings and closing RTI meetings and the big end of the year staff meeting, pack up stuff for summer school, make copies and plan for summer school, do 11 practice assessments and read three chapters and do the quizzes for my grad class. Probably a good thing I'm so busy. I've barely had time to think about the fact that today or yesterday could have been my embryo transfer. I could have been a little bit pregnant right now. Too exhausted to think or write about my feelings....

My good friend at school Becky was venting about how the children are getting more and more rambunctious every day. We often say they are "done". And we are "done". Today she made me laugh by comparing the nine months of the school year to pregnancy. At first, you're very excited and want to do everything possible to make it a healthy successful school year with lots of growth for your students. Toward the middle you're scared and nervous that you haven't done enough and there's still so much to do and get ready for. At the end, you just want them out, out, out! Funny to think I've been going through a school year "pregnancy" each year for 12 years. Bring on the real thing! I'm ready!

During a kindergarten team meeting one teacher was asked if she thought this student would be able to have success in first grade. The teacher looked at me and said she thought she would be ready for first if she was put in my class for summer school. The principal said of course and we want her to have these other two struggling students as well. Truly, it is these small things that make me know that I'm changing lives forever. It's hard to believe that my co-workers and principal have such confidence in me but it makes me proud.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sleepover With Air Quotes

My two favorite sweeties came for a sleepover last night. The house was destroyed but we had so much fun. I'm still finding popcorn around the house in places popcorn should never be. The best part was that the girls got along with each other. Sometimes they have a Garfield and Nermal type of relationship but last night, Stretch was a helpful and kind big sis and DollFace was sweet and funny. Stretch has taught DollFace to use air quotes. It was hilarious when she used them to say "You can't catch me!" and then took off running.

It tugged at my heartstrings to read with them and say their prayers and kiss them goodnight. I imagine this would be my favorite time of day if I were to have a child of my own.

Eight and a half more days of school...not that I'm counting or anything. I'll really be relieved when this week is over. I start my new graduate class which meets two times a week and I have a late summer school meeting. Three very long days in a row.

I want to use this extended wait time I have to wage war on my fat. For the next week it's all about portion control. I'll have no time to plan or cook meals so I'm going to focus on eating normal portions and eating only when I'm hungry. This may become a weight loss blog temporarily.

It may be pretty boring around the old blog for a while. I hope you'll settle in with me for the wait. I could use the company.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Hello Self

I woke early this morning feeling out of sorts and blah. By 9am I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open so I went back to bed. I woke up two hours later feeling more like myself than I have in weeks. Hello, Self...It's been awhile. How are you?

Right now I feel calm and sure of what has happened and my decisions. And I feel a good strong dose of hope. There is still a bit of melancholy hanging around but it feels kind of good...like it's actually my own genuine emotion and not a drug induced crazy feeling.

For the first time in over two months, I have no drugs in my system. It is bittersweet relief for sure. Now I'm in for a different kind of two week wait. Waiting to get my period so I can start all over.

Sigh....................

Friday, May 14, 2010

Board Exam Results

Remember when I took the board exam for my reading specialist certification?
I got my results today:
275 out of 300!!
I only needed 240 to continue in the program.
Yay, ME!!!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Still Spinning

Crazy ups and downs. Coming off these drugs is a bitch! I feel so in-between and confused. I should be ecstatic and relieved that I was able to move on quickly but I'm not quite there yet. I am at times angry and depressed that my cycle was canceled, while feeling relief that I didn't go forward only to experience even greater heartbreak. I should be excited and looking forward to July but I can't see past what seems like a very long wait for something that should be happening NOW. I think my new donor is a perfect match for me but can't seem to drum up the affectionate, protective thoughts I was having for my first donor. I really am happy for all my bloggy friends who are experiencing their pregnancies or actual babies, but I tear up as I read about their joy.

And my boobs hurt.
And I'm horny as hell.

At lunch, I had to leave the lounge abruptly when the "birthing round table" opened up, as it does sometimes when groups of women are together. Every one has to tell their birthing story or their friend's...it seems to go on and on. I try not to be resentful, I know if I had a story I would be right in there sharing too. Today I just had to very quickly get out of there before I lost it.

One of my students, Justin, is a first grader who has been struggling and struggling all year to learn to read. Today he read a level 6 book. A level 6! I was so excited I took him all over the school and made him read it to everyone including the school secretary. A moment to help me remember that eventually the struggle is worth it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Fertility Tornado

There was a lot of crying and "why me" thoughts last night. Thank you, my blogging family, for your kind comments, you all help me to be stronger.

I had taken today off for a lining check that I no longer needed so I spent a mournful morning putting away the Lupron and sending out a few tentative emails about moving forward. Suddenly wheels were in motion and I was fielding a flurry of emails.

From Dad:
"Sorry to hear this Paige. Maybe the future will be more successful.
Sincerely,
Dad"


From Mom:
"I'm so very sorry to hear this. Dad didn't tell me about your email until he was going to bed or I would've called. What are you going to do? If you pick another donor, will you just stay with your Rx schedule or start all over. Please don't give up. Maybe she just wasn't the match for you - better to find out now. Start all over & keep good, positive thoughts. Let me know. If I can do or say anything to help, call anytime."

From the clinic coordinator:
"Hi Paige
We should have your estradiol level from yesterday when I get to the office today I would think. I can try and get back with you when I see your result. I’m sure your Estradiol level was fine though."

From Dr. A:
"In brief the follicle development was unexpectedly poor, I do not understand why. They are there, but small without prospect of growth. Too dicey to go on I believe as very few oocytes would be retrieved and risk of failure very high versus expectations.

We should go over it however with discussion soon.

I know that this is very disappointing but it is best course of action with these events.

I am sorry to have had to make this call, but it is in long run your best interest.
Best regards"


The first of many from Donor Agency Lady:
"Paige:
I am so sorry to hear about your cycle. I can only imagine how devastated you must be given the turn of events. Do you know what month you want to cycle in?

I will go ahead and contact both of these gals and we will check with the clinic to see when the earliest cycle we can make it into and I will get back to you.

Are you doing ok?

Oh, and in terms of the funds on account, those will all roll forward to the next donor, you have no additional expenses with us, and I will let you know the amount to be replenished for the partial compensation of the first donor.

Hang in there my dear….
Sincerely and with Best Regards,"

and the last from Donor Agency Lady:
"Paige:
I have great news, your first choice is available for July. She cycled with them previously, so they are familiar with her-which is a great thing.

Just let me know and I will follow up with the clinic."

I feel like I've been swept away by a lightening fast fertility tornado. I've spent a great deal of the day checking email and staring into space trying to process everything. I'm pleased at how everything seemed to fall in to place so easily and quickly, like it was really meant to be. Everything I was worried about, from finances to donor availability and booking a cycle worked out perfectly.

This new donor was actually my very first choice months ago but I had to move to a second choice because another client had spoken for her first. My first donor has been taken off the donor registry permanently. I hope she isn't experiencing too much emotional fall out. I still feel a special attachment to her and wish there was a way I could let her know that I wish her all the best.

I'm relieved to have this all in place for July, it all came about so suddenly, I'm emotionally exhausted.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Canceled

My donor didn't respond well to ovulation stimulation.
She has 10 follicles but they are very tiny.
My doctor is recommending canceling the cycle.

I'm bitterly disappointed.
What will it take to make me accept my fate.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

My Famous Doctor

So I'm webstalking Dr. AA last night cause what else is a single TTC gal to do on a Saturday night? Pathetic, I know. Dr. AA's website says he's been chosen to be the fertility consultant on a new TLC show about conception. At first, I was very excited because surely this means he really is one of the best in the country, TLC would surely choose a highly reputable doctor and how many people get to see their doc on TV? This is a show that follows 6 women in their journey to conceive, some are just beginning their journey and some have been struggling for a while. None of them have similar profiles to myself, big shocker...

As I read the Expert Q & A, I realize this is just a giant First Response ad and I'm disappointed in Dr. AA. His answers are legit but each one also includes a plug for a First Response product. Ok...I'm just going to out him right here, now you will all know Dr. AA's real identity...what the heck, it's not like I'm his only patient and apparently he's going to be famous now. He is even featured in part of the show's trailer. He's quite good looking, maybe that is why he was chosen, not because of his talent in the field. I kind of feel like he's a big sell-out. Sorry, Dr. AA, I will always be a Clearblue girl. (or whatever's on sale, I don't really believe there's a difference)

Back in January, Dr. H discouraged me from going to another well known RE in my area and encouraged me to go to Dr. AA. I remember he specifically said that Dr. AA was not out for fame and monetary gain and that the other doc seemed to be. Now I have to wonder.

Still it is kind of exciting and believe me I'll be watching every moment of the show. When I see Dr. AA on Tues, I shall ask him to autograph my ute....lol

Happy Mother's Day...I'm wishing for a crystal ball so I can see next year's Mother's Day.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Blackberry Winter

One week from now my embies could be tucked in at the doctor's office to grow for a couple days. One week! And in a week and a half I could be pregnant. ME! Pregnant! It could happen...it could really happen. My dream could be true in less than two weeks! Just when I thought I'd had every emotion possible related to struggling with fertility...wham. This is certainly a special kind of excitement laced with a little anxiety. I actually get butterflies when I think about it.

My daydreams have even moved on. I daydream about seeing Dr. H. again which to me will signify really being safely pregnant. I keep planning my own baby shower in my head. This makes me feel crazy and I wish I could STOP.

I'm working very hard to keep the "what if it doesn't happen" thoughts AWAY! I keep thinking that if I just do exactly what the doctor has instructed me to do, I will get pregnant, but I know there are no guarantees. Everyday my prayers are with my lovely donor, my talented doctor and his staff.

Jock Indetank has been ordered and delivered. One less thing to worry about.

I FINALLY have Internet at my home. Yay!

It's almost cold here in the mid-west. Dad asked if I had my long johns out and called it Blackberry Winter. E has headed out to plant corn. He gave me a ride back home as he headed out on the corn planter. I was struck by the mammoth size of the equipment these days. When I think back to the 4 row corn planter of my childhood, our current 16 row planter seems unbelievably huge and makes my memory of the old planter seem toylike. They can't even haul it on the road without folding it completely in half. E said he remembered being totally intimidated by this new 16 row planter at first but now looks to buying a 24 row one in the future. Something that wouldn't even have been a thought in our heads 20 years ago.....

And we wouldn't have even dreamed of being able to become pregnant at 38 while single using donor eggs and sperm. I may be a simple country girl but I'm so very grateful to have been born in a time when science can make miracles happen.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Waiting For My Dandelion Wish

Not sure if the Cal'Asia incident is still affecting me or if it's Lupron finally rearing it's moody head but I've been very weepy for the last day or so. I cried 3 times last night during Glee. Glee, for heavens sake! And this morning during a song on the radio. I was also brought to tears just now by all YOUR supportive comments. Yesterday after I wrote about not wanting to talk to my friends, I felt very selfish and as if what I was feeling wasn't normal. Thank you all for being my friends.

I've been in that dark place a little....the one where I end up childless.

Things were a bit crazy at school. Everyone is frazzled and just trying to get year end testing done while keeping the children, who have caught severe spring fever, in some sort of order. I am NOT looking forward to dealing with all that next year when I'm forced to go back to a classroom position.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Stretch: Who is Madonna?
Me: 80's pop star, rock icon, etc
Stretch: Oh, did she get famous on American Idol?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Me to DollFace: Blow all those dandelion fuzzies away and make a wish.
DollFace: (Squinches up her face and whispers to the dandelion)
3 days later....
DollFace: I'm still waiting for my dandelion wish to come true...I wished that all kitties would like me.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Crappy Day, Good Friends

I'm glad I have the great memory of yesterday because today was one crappy day. There was an incident in my literacy lab during a meeting with the principal and J. involving a student named Cal'Asia, her mother, a belt and the police. I do not want to go into details but will say I wish I could take that precious child home and love her as my own.

I want so badly to be the antithesis of that horrible woman I saw in action today. God, please let me prove what a good, loving mother I can be. I have so many good, sweet, kind things to give. Please let me have that chance.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
S. called last night and left a message saying she hadn't heard my voice in a long, long time and was quite worried and that she would come over and bang on the door, bring the girls over to bang on the door and as a last resort contact my parents. I called her back this morning and we had a brief chat.

I don't know how to explain it, but I just don't want to talk to her or any of the girls. I don't want to have to talk and talk about the embryo transfer coming up and everything that goes with it. And I don't want the pity, if it doesn't make me pregnant. Not one of them can even come close to understanding what I'm going through. I'm afraid that if I start talking to them, I'll start crying and never stop and they still will not understand a fraction of the emotional crap I've been wading through.

And what's worse....I don't want to listen to them either. I'm at a juncture where my life is going to become amazing or it's going to fall into a dark, dark place. I really don't want to hear S. go on and on about her new boyfriend and upcoming gastric bypass. These seem so trivial compared to what I'm going through. Even though I KNOW they are not trivial at all and a good friend would be wanting to share the excitment with her.

It's not that I don't care, I love my girls but I just want to wrap cotton around myself and protect myself from the outside world. I've been completely turned inward since January 19th, it seems selfish and not the person I usually am. I am so lucky to have great friends, I need to snap out of it, come out of hiding and act normal.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I'm beginning a seven day challenge today. I have stayed the same weight for weeks and weeks now. I'm challenging myself to exercise for 7 days in a row. I'm doing ok on eating, not great but not binging either.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Carousel Ride

I went with our Kindergarten classes on a field trip today. This is the first field trip I've been on as simply a chaperon and it felt so carefree to be without the huge responsibility of being the classroom teacher on my shoulders. We went to the Butterfly House where we learned all about insects and got to walk around the solarium where exotic foliage grows and thousands of butterflies were flying all around us.

Across the park from the Butterfly House is a restored 90 year old carousel. As we walked across the park, I could tell from the questions they asked that most of the children had no background experience with riding a carousel. I tried my best to explain but it's kind of an obscure thing, if you've never experienced it. They asked if the horses were real, what they ate, how they went up and down, what kept the horses from falling off the circle. These are children of poverty and most have pretty limited experiences.

It ended up being a pretty special experience for me. The children's faces lit up and there was such joy in the air. All those happy, excited children laughing and holding on tight. Riding up and down on their beautiful painted ponies while the quaint carousel music was playing. It sounds corny to say but it felt like a little magic was in the air. If you've never experienced an antique carousel ride with 30 kindergartners, I highly recommend it.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Second IM Delestrogen shot today, still can't get over how easy it is. Blood test on Friday and ultrasound/lining check in one week. One week! Sperm donor chosen and ordered (but I can't think of a name for him).
Check, check, check.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

And The Winner Is

I think I've chosen one. It's down to the wire today and I actually choked up a little at the thought of really saying good bye to Dave Indevial. Would it be weird to pretend that the new guy is some relation to Dave? I may change back to him at the last moment. If only he was an open donor.

Anyway, the new guy is six feet tall, green eyes, brown hair, he is well liked by the staff who say he always has a smile on his face and is easy to work with, polite, respectful and pleasant to be around. He has mad math and science skills and is athletic. He is CMV negative, has had previous pregnancies and has my blood type. ,Also, he has the same celebrity look alike as Dave did: Gerard Butler. Yup, I'm starting to crush just a little on this new guy. In an innocent, non-icky way of course.

How will this guy will mix with my lovely egg donor. Will my (our?) baby get her eyes and his height? His math skills and her musical talent? His sense of humor and her stubbornness? Please, find me, Baby. I can't wait to meet you and learn all about you!

I am, yet again, in awe of modern science. It sometimes takes my breath away thinking that these two people along with all the medical people are giving me this remarkable chance at having a family. What an incredible, miraculous opportunity.

I know I've made the right decision.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Hello, May!

This not having Internet is effing ridiculous. I'm about to go nuts. I was here at Dad's office last night trying to blog and in walks Mom, she plops down with, "Whacha doin?" She. Would. Not. Leave. There is only so much small talk you can make while nervously wanting someone to go. Mom knows a lot about my journey but I just could NOT write about sperm donors and my period (which finally showed up yesterday) in front of my MOTHER and I couldn't say, "Hey, get out", so finally I just stuck in a few pics and left it at that. And now she knows the title of my blog...don't know if she'll check in or not and not sure how I feel about that. I like having this be my safe place and knowing I can say anything to you all.

Last night I realized that I must make a final pick on a sperm donor THIS WEEKEND. There is no way I can do that without Internet. I came over here to the office this morning, thinking that if everyone was busy, I could get some thinking and choosing done. Ummmm NO. Whoever said it was quiet in the country was WRONG. The office is attached to the machine shop and warehouse. There were huge tractors in and out, the milk tanker truck making it's pick up, Dad's employees and my brother all over the place. One was actually working on the office door with a drill or something. It was impossibly LOUD and made me jumpy so I just left. E asked me to bring over my laptop this afternoon and it seems to be a quiet time now. Still nerve wracking because non-family members could walk in at any moment, but I have to make a choice. This is so NOT how I imagined doing this.

The IM Delestrogen shot went well. I'm wondering what I was so scared about. I took a deep breath and just did it. It didn't really even hurt.

Hello May! I've been waiting and waiting for you. Please be good to me.