Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I spent the afternoon in the sand pile with DollFace. C. and Stretch are visiting relatives in Memphis, C. thought some bonding time would help Stretch's recent growing pains (read attitude). It was a beautiful, windy spring day and DollFace never ceases to amaze me with her imagination and sense of humor. My favorite 5 year old. She's spending the night with me tonight so she doesn't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the farm with her dad. Undressing all the baby dolls seems to be on the agenda for the evening.
My possible transfer date is May 11 or so. Seems far off, but not really. Sometimes I can't believe that I've set this whole thing in motion. I've never done anything as important as this.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
I met with Connie at the clinic today and she told me all about my calendar and all the blood work, ultrasounds, meds and injections I'd be taking starting April 22. I understand everything, what each item is for and when and how to take it but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling a little overwhelmed. I've already looked at the calendar about 5 times, ok...more like 12. Yowza, that is quite a bit of time off work for blood work and appointments. And those needles for the intramuscular shots look a bit....loooonngg.
I knew that my lovely donor had a calendar meeting yesterday so I jokingly asked Connie if she was beautiful and intelligent, hoping to get some contraband info. She casually told me that when the donor came in for her first ultrasound a few weeks ago she was very quiet and standoffish and that she and the doctor even talked about it afterward wondering if she'd be ok with the whole donor process. My heart about stopped! After meeting with her yesterday, though, Connie said she was a totally different person and must have been really nervous about the first ultrasound. Of course she was! She's a young girl and we all know your first transvag isn't a party. Connie told me she feels good about the donor now. Whew!
I'm really feeling like I should write my lovely donor some sort of note of encouragement. It never occurred to me that she would be scared. But maybe it's best to leave it alone. I was planning on writing a letter after retrieval and keeping everything very anonymous up until then. I'll have to think about it.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I began taking water exercise classes a few years ago when I had trouble with my knees. Being in the water was better than any drug for my knee pain. I loved going because I knew I would be pain free for the rest of the day. I also liked that it was a reason to get up and get moving early in the morning during vacations.
But this time, I don't know. I just felt...like here I am again, still fat, still bumbling around in the water with the oldsters. Don't get me wrong, I really admire the seniors who are able to get moving like that at their age. I used to be inspired by them. They seem so sprightly and have such good attitudes. I'm the youngest person in the class by about 30 years and the tallest by at least 6 inches. It used to make me feel good, like the hot, young babe of the class. But I wasn't feeling youthful or hot today. I just felt....old.
Then I came home an pottered around, or is it puttered around the house. The big event was getting emissions testing for the car.
The doubts crowd in. Am I too old to become a parent? Will I be able to keep up with a youngster? My parents are getting older, will they be able to help me as much as I've been counting on? Before infertility I never felt "old" or thought about being too "old".
Please wait while I tamp down the doubt and talk myself out of these stupid thoughts.....
I believe with all my heart that this is the perfect time for me to be starting my family. If I am truly meant to be a parent as I believe I am, then I WILL become a parent. I am NOT old but am young of heart, spirit, mind and body. Having a youngster around will KEEP me young and vital.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
They weren't even my favorite jammies but they became my security blanket. Ancient flannel washed to softness and ready to comfort. They came with some froggie slippers that disintegrated years ago. I wore them when I couldn't stop crying, when I was angry with the myself for waiting so long, when I wanted to hide from the world. I wore them when I was grieving the children I would never have and when I was so angry at God I was unable to pray for help. And I've worn them when the light started shining a little again and while pouring over egg donor profiles. I've worn these P.J.s every night since I was told that bearing my own genetic children would not be possible. Every night. And a few days as well.
Now springtime weather is creeping in and my froggie jammies are almost uncomfortable. I know I'll soon have to fold my security blanket away in a drawer for the season. I'm unsure that I'm ready to put away my sadness about having to abandon my own genetics. I'm confident and sure about the donor egg situation but there may always be a tiny piece of me that is missing a child that would have carried my DNA.
When cooler weather rolls around again, I wonder if bringing out these tired jammies will be a painful reminder of what I've gone through this winter or if I'll only remember the comfort they brought me.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Sigh....I'm NOT going to quit, though. At my size, I know I can never stop trying. I'm hoping it might be partially the birth control, partially PMS and partially some chub turning to muscle.
My hair stylist is studying kinesiology and hopes to be a personal trainer someday. I call her my faux trainer. She has advised me to eat more protein and fiber and cut back on carbs and continue exercising. That's pretty much what she always advises me to do. Guess that's what I'll try to do, just like I always do.
She also gave me this fab 'do
And folks, when I say the color is red, it is RED! Red like a crayon is red. The pic is bright but doesn't really show how very bright. Makes me feel pretty darn HOT!
I purchased a replacement for my dying computer:
A middle of the road Dell. My first laptop. Thank God for 18 months free financing. It's barely out of the box and I'm still relying on my old pc for now, but looking forward to the freedom of a laptop.
I've read so much about acupuncture and infertility I thought I'd look into it. I NEVER thought there would be a practitioner in my small town. I just knew I'd have to trek into St. Louis for something like that, but I was wrong. There are a few in my town and one is a country girl who grew up out here in the sticks and was a schoolmate of my dad's. I guess I was far out of line when I pictured the wizened older woman of Asian ancestry. I'm going to make some calls next week and check into it. May as well give myself every advantage that I can.
Friday, March 26, 2010
There were so many sweets around school today and I just could NOT stop myself. I think I've done pretty good all week but it's funny how I really never blog about that. I've stayed well within my calorie range everyday and even during today's sugarpalooza I've managed to stay within range, barely and I'll only stay in range if I don't eat anything else for the rest of the day. I've walked four days so if I go tomorrow or Sunday it's a bonus.
I picked up an application for a summer school teaching position. I'm having a tough time deciding if I should fill it out and turn it in. It would be good to get my feet wet teaching in the classroom again in case I have to change positions next year and Lord knows I could really use the cash to help defray medical expenses. This program is very strict about attendance and docks you heavily if you have to miss. If the IVF is successful I'll be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy, but should that stop me? I could just as easily be mending the broken heart of disappointment, might be good to have another focus and structure to my days.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I was pulled out two different times for RTI meetings. This is a committee that tries to meet the needs of students who are especially at risk and have shown through behavior, academics, health issues or truancy that they are in need of extra support. One meeting was very awkward because the parent was very accusatory toward the child's teacher and wanted to argue with everything that was said.
The other meeting angered me because the child's mother (who was not at the meeting) doesn't seem to want anything to do with him while she has two daughters who are living with her and her boyfriend's children visit often as well. She also will not sign off on the child getting counseling. The father is in prison and will be for a long time. Thank God, this child has very caring grandparents but he's dealing with severe depression issues that NO second grader should have to deal with. He is a delightful, smart and funny kid. I swear I could beat this woman for treating her precious child this way.
There has been more than the usual drama filled gossip going around. Our administrators have taken a pay freeze for next year and the word is that they will be asking us to do the same. Every evening another area school district is on the news talking about cutting teaching positions.
And when I got home and turned on my computer I was greeted with the Blue Screen of Death. My heart sank right into my stomach and I must have gasped because DollFace was extremely concerned and comforting. E. was able to save my pictures and my baby making files, but I'm not sure I'll be able to save my music. I was able to get the old girl up and running to track my food and blog but it seems very glitchy and tenuous. I will try to keep up with ICLW but hope everyone understands if I'm not able to. I knew I was living on borrowed time and I had planned to use my tax return this year to buy a new computer but decided to put it toward the upcoming medical bills and just limp along with the old computer which had been functioning fine. Now, I have no choice but to replace it. And soon.
One bright spot...Connie from my clinic called me. Yes, SHE called ME to set up an appointment to review my IVF calendar, medication and injections. I was surprised and pleased, considering the communication problems I've had in the past with this clinic. I was ready to make the call myself to ask about the calendar and I'm glad I didn't have to
Another little step closer:
Yesterday's beautiful spring day has become today's wind, rain and cold. I wish I was on this beach!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
*Copy and paste these rules to your blog post.
*Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
*Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
*Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
*Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this better basket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
*Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
I'm passing along the basket to YOU, Samatha!
Thanks, Fickle for giving me a blogging "vacation"!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
My grandmother's springtime surprise to me every year. I sure didn't plant them and I forget about them until they spring up every year.
Here is my diva, Zoe, wondering why I don't grow grass for her inside the house.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Things might be a little boring around the old blog for the next few weeks. I'm in a holding pattern as far as TTC is concerned. I'll start taking serious medication one month from today and have a donor egg cycle in May. Can't wait...
School is humming right along. I actually got to meet with my student groups today. Between conferences and other things going on at school, it seems I haven't been able to do my normal reading interventions. Tomorrow begins a two day professional development session so I'll miss them again.
I've, yet again, regrouped on the weight loss front. My goals this week are to exercise at least 4 times this week and stay within my calorie range everyday. The exercises part should be easy if the weather stays pretty. I had a lovely walk on the bike trail this evening. Eating will be a struggle as it always is for me.
Now off to leave some comments.....
Sunday, March 21, 2010
They might not be the prettiest desserts but they were DELISH and we had fun making them.
This morning we had some fireworks when I tried to turn on a lamp. Sparks popping everywhere and a burned up bulb. I've never seen a bulb blackened and burned like that. No harm done but a little scary.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Today, she asked me if I would like to be a first grade teacher next year. It made me feel so proud and pleased that she would think well enough of my skill, talent and experience to ask me to take a position she thinks is so important.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
You know Skippyjon...the Siamese kitty with big ears who thinks he's a Chihuahua and speaks with a Mexican accent...
"My name is Skippito Friskito. (clap-clap) I fear not a single bandito. (clap-clap) My manners are mellow, I'm sweet like the Jell-o, I get the job done, yes indeed-o. (clap-clap)"
Or you may not know her at all. But as a reading teacher it was a thrill to meet her. She gave a very good talk about her background and why it is important to allow children to use their imaginations and dream. It turns out she came from a very hard childhood and her escape was drawing and her pets. Inspirational that out of her personal adversity came this series of books which have brought joy to many, many children. And a few adults.
In the car, many plans were talked about for the next school year. The principal kept referring only to J. as the reading staff next year. I don't want to have to leave the best job in the world.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I can't wait to see what DollFace's 5th year brings her. So much to be learned in this year. How to tie shoes, ride bikes, whistle, blow bubble gum bubbles, and of course, off to kindergarten in the fall. The baby of our family is growing up.
Connie from the clinic did contact me today and tell me that she would get the donor's test results to me by Wednesday or Thursday and that she would be working on May calendars next week and would call me in for a meeting after that. Also, that I would start taking the more serious medication on April 22. Seems really far away but just knowing that date is a comfort to me. I have a time frame to think about and can relax until that date is closer.
Jill, I wanted to thank you for being my cycling mentor. I've learned so much through your advice. And thank you everyone for always being encouraging, I'm grateful to have this safe place to be negative, nervous, happy, sad or anything else I need to be.
Monday, March 15, 2010
My lovely donor is on day 5 of her cycle and had blood work today. She will be having an antral follicle count ultrasound tomorrow. Oh yes, she will! I can't wait to hear the results. I couldn't be happy about my own results but I'm looking forward to rejoicing about hers (ours?). She's 24, already has a child and is healthy. She is going to have great results. I can FEEL it!
I feel such a strange but strong kinship to this young lady who I really know so little but so much about. I really want her to remain anonymous for now but I keep toying with the idea of writing her a letter and maybe sending her a gift. But what do I say to an amazing woman who is giving the most amazing gift I'll ever recieve? Not sure if things like that are even permitted by my agency. I definitely don't want to have too much contact as I'm sure I would become a nuisance to her, asking if she took her medication and ate her veggies. I would like to thank her somehow though.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I'm fiercely independent and DO NOT think that anything is REALLY missing from my life (except Baby) and all that blah bidiblahblah but once in a while on a misty, stormy Sunday, I find myself really missing having a man around. Today would have been the perfect day to cuddle up with someone, say, Gerard Butler, and laze around watching movies all day.
I cuddled up with my kitty and it was pleasant but it would have been nice to have a big, strong shoulder to cuddle up to. I must confess that I crave having a whiff of aftershave around the house. I miss having that hardness, in contrast to my softness, yin to yang. I miss feeling a stubbly cheek against mine and hearing a deep voice in the house. I miss waking up and knowing someone is there to spend the day with, plans or no plans. And sex, Lord, do I miss sex. Sometimes I even miss complaining to my girlfriends about this or that dumb thing he did like asking where the mustard is when it's clearly right in front of him. Not to mention it would be nice to get a sperm donation for free.
And I really miss the daydream of the possibility of an opps baby made with real sex that came about as an expression of love between two people. Ah, through writing this comes the underlying yearning. I didn't even know that was swirling around up there in my head until I wrote it. Dammit, I was not going to cry on this gray, lonely day.
Sniffle, nope, it's ok...I have it under control.
I believe with all my heart that on my own, I am enough. Heck, MORE than enough. Enough heart give enough love, enough of a provider, enough of an emotional supporter, enough brains to find good role models. Enough of anything my child might need and more. If I didn't thoroughly believe this I would not be trying to get pregnant. Do you hear that, Baby, it's ok for you to find me because I am ready and I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!
Friday, March 12, 2010
- I'm healthy
- My dr told me my lining was "perfect"
- I have a young, healthy donor
- My clinic has a very good success rate
Hmmm I thought I'd have a much longer list of reasons to expect a positive outcome...
No matter, I'm going to try to stash away the negative and focus on the positive.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
I will get pregnant.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Thank God I got my car back today and turned in the gas-smelling, motor-smoking Mazda van rental. I'm so happy to have that ordeal over with. Her insurance paid for everything but it was a pain in the arse with a lot of phone calls and running around.
I usually don't get opportunities like this but my principal has asked me to go to three different reading conferences. In March, at the end of April and mid July. The mid-March one is about an hour away, no big deal. The other two will require travel by plane and hotel stays and I won't really know where I'll be as far as becoming/being pregnant. I don't want to plan my life assuming I'll become pregnant but I don't want to have to back out at the last minute because of the treatment schedule or a high-risk pregnancy. At the end of April, I'll just be finishing up the cycle before THE cycle. But my period did show up 5 days early this month and until I have an IVF calendar in my hot, little hands I will feel like anything could happen. Heck, anything could happen after I get the calendar, it all seems so uncertain.
Mid-July I'll either be at the beginning of a high risk pregnancy or nursing a disappointed broken heart or trying again. Please, please, please, let me be experiencing pregnancy with all it's joys and trials.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I've been overweight since I was a teen. I attempt to lose weight time and time again but I'm never successful for any length of time.
I have been alone for what adds up to years. I've tried hard to find the love of my life and been in a few relationships but ultimately ended up on my own.
I've lived within a 10 mile radius of where I was born. I've moved three times but I'm now in the home that I'm pretty sure I will live in for the rest of my life.
I've worked at the same school for 13 years. I've had three different positions within that school but my car doesn't know how to drive anywhere else.
And although I've had a deep yearning to be a mother since childhood, I'm still without children.
What if a year from now.....things are still the same.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
And to be taking these
The ultimate irony AND a blast from the past. The last time I was on birth control it was the monthly shot. I bet I haven't swallowed a birth control pill for 15 years.
The clinic is driving me a little nuts. I was told to contact Mary when I got my period. Mary handed me off to Sharon. I get an email from Sharon telling me she wasn't sure from the doctor's last notes, was I interested in IUI, with injectables? UMMMM...IS THAT AN OPTION? Have I had a broken heart all these weeks over some sort of miscommunication or misunderstanding?
I wrote her back explaining exactly what my understanding of the diagnosis was and what I thought I was heading toward. She responded that I was exactly right, she just didn't know that I'd made a deposit on a May cycle. Then she called in the birth control prescription and handed me off to yet a third person who will be my coordinator. Sheesh!
I'm so glad to be DOING something.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"An alien of some sort will be appearing to you shortly."
Well, I think we all know what I'm translating that to mean. Just replace "alien" with "baby".
I did not tell the girls that I had a cycle on the calendar. They know all the details of what has happened so far and when I was sliding toward the edge they helped snatch me back. My family knows I have a donor and a cycle on the calendar but they don't know exactly when. Perhaps it is foolish of me to keep this secret. I know, I need my support system, I KNOW. They will be the ones right there to pick up the pieces if things don't go my way and perhaps it is unfair to keep it from them but....
I have this dream of becoming pregnant, surprising everyone with a big announcement and becoming enveloped their surprise and joy. I just can't let that go. I've given up hoping for every normal thing, husband, marriage, getting pregnant by conventional means, getting pregnant by high tech means with my own DNA. I've let go of so many damn dreams. Is it too much to ask that I'm able experience the joy of telling my loved ones about my miracle should I be lucky enough to experience one?
I try to convince myself that I'm sparing them some disappointment if my baby isn't able to find me.
I did tell B. today. B. is a friend that I met through an online weight loss forum. I haven't known her very long but I feel very close to her and she is always very open minded and a great support. She doesn't know any of my other friends so I know my secrets are safe with her. She said I'm far too independent and I should allow my friends and family to support me throughout the journey instead of keeping secrets and shocking them all when I'm desperate for TLC. She's probably right, but for now I'll hold my own council. Perhaps when it the actual event doesn't seem so far off...
Friday, March 5, 2010
In weight loss news, I got on the scale this morning...glaghhhhhh! It was my first day back to tracking my nutritional intake. I ate too much junk but kept track of the portions instead of throwing crap down the gullet without even thinking. I've set a goal of losing 20 pounds by the date of the transfer. I'm estimating about 10 weeks (CANNOT believe I have to wait so long, it seems SO far away) so it's a realistic goal. I'm planning on going shopping and cooking this weekend so I'll have no excuse. It feels good to be trying again.
In donor news, well there is none except that I keep thinking of my "tenacious" young lady out there somewhere....growing my eggs for me. I keep sending her subliminal messages from afar....drive carefully and scrape those windows, please stay hydrated, please be responsible with the medication, hope you take vitamins and on and on. I wonder if she ever thinks about me? She's my hero, doing for me what I could not do for myself.
Lately DollFace has been fascinated with looking up animals on youtube. We'll be playing our animal guessing game in the car and when we get home she'll ask to see that animal "on the movies". We were looking up baby rabbits when we stumbled upon this cute one about a rabbit being taken care of by a mother cat. I guess sometimes even Mother Nature doesn't care about DNA.
And for some reason the ever present thought is very strong tonight:
What if it never happens for me?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I have such strong desire to be the healthiest me possible for myself and also in case a miracle happens and I get pregnant but I can't seem to make my body do what my brain and soul wants it to. Every night I think, "This is it, this is the last time I will eat out of control" but the next day rolls around and by noon or even earlier I've blown it and am off to the races eating way too much of everything bad.
I had gone completely rogue and given up any form of weight loss that involved numbers and that felt good and worked for a while. God knows I've measured and weighed my food long enough that I've become pretty talented at eye-balling a portion. However, when I'm not tracking my food, it's too easy for an extra this or that to creep in. Chips with this meal, chocolate after that meal, take out for supper, ice cream on the way home...won't hurt, not like I do it all the time. I guess the pressure of the life-changing decisions got to me and once I started, I just kept adding this and that and eating more day after day. The big decision is made now so it's time to get back to thinking about my health and how to better control my food.
It takes a behemoth amount of time and effort to plan all those meals, figure out the nutritional info and track them. Not to mention the mental and emotional exhaustion from working on one's self-worth, self-image and FEELING those emotions rather than stifle them with food.
.... but I've got to go back to it. I've GOT to.
Monday, March 1, 2010
It is now past 3:00 and I haven't heard from either of them.
Grrrr....what is up with that?????