Monday, February 28, 2011
The dark monster called depression.
I don't want to fight against it.
I would like to give in....
Eat until the pain is dampened...as if it ever could be.
Stay in the cocoon of my bed where it's quiet....as if my thoughts ever could be quieted.
Wonder all the whys for as long as I want....as if there will ever be answers
Find stillness and not the pressure of life....but there is life.
And I can't do those things...
I have to fight it.
Don't you think my hands look like an old meat packer's hands?
I call myself "Man Hands" sometimes like from Seinfeld.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Then a bit of a sad chore. Attending the visitation of my great Aunt Ella Mae. Aunt Ella Mae was my great Uncle Mel's third wife. She was a character and she brought so much vibrancy into my mother's conservative family. I believe she had a rough time of it when she first came into the family because she was a bit of a busybody and didn't seem to understand that she wouldn't be the matriarch of the extended family or really even of her own family. Everyone knew my Aunt Alys had that role.
Some say that she married Uncle Mel for his money, but I say if she did, she earned every penny. Uncle Mel was obsessive about some things and could be a critical grouch. She stuck with him to the end, though, giving him much happiness. I think the women of my mother's family were hard on her but she persevered and when you needed her she was there. She nursed my Aunt Coco on her deathbed even though Aunt Coco had been pretty awful to her.
One time my brother and I were at Aunt Alys' and we had dinner with candles lit on the table. It was such a treat! Nosy Aunt Ella Mae drove by the house periodically just to see what was going on. She called the next day to ask just who Aunt Alys was having a candle lit dinner with.
The children of the family always loved her though. She would squeal your name when she saw you and always added an "ey" to the ending. So I was "Paigeyyyy!, Linda was "Lindeyyyy!" and so on. And she never greeted you with out enveloping you in a big hug. She used to send us holiday cards signed by "Uncle Mel" but she'd hide her own name in teeny tiny letters within the picture on the front. We liked hunting for her name and then comparing cards with eachother.
After Uncle Mel passed away, she came to family gatherings for a while but eventually married again and finally her daughter moved her to Texas to be close to her. That was quite a few years ago and we haven't heard from her or about her in a long time until now. Sadly, she battled Alzheimer's these last few years. She wanted to come back to the Midwest to be buried and she'll be laid to rest in the same cemetery as Greyson.
Afterward, I visited Greyson's grave.
I should have been 32 weeks pregnant today.
Picture of the Day:
MC uses a phrase that I've picked up. None of the pics I took at the Working Women's Show or at the resturant were any good so this is literally and figuratively "Low hanging fruit". But still fruit.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
I changed my mind.
I don't want to let go.
I don't want a greater understanding.
I don't want the curtain between the worlds lifted for me.
I just want to hold my baby in my arms.
My real human baby in my chubby physical arms.
Not held as a spirit or a soul or energy.
Not in my heart.
IN MY ARMS!
That is the only place he belongs.
How one day can be so different from the next.
But like it or not....
I've seen "555" twice today.
On the clock in the morning and on my odometer in the afternoon.
I feel completely dense looking for meaning in the minutia and in the big picture.
The left side of my brain is pretty handy with the logical veil.
Or maybe I visit denial for moments at a time.
I searched and thought and thought.
I really don't know how I missed it.
Finally with the help of MB (Thanks!)
I realized it is a significant number.
The most significant date of my life.
My son was born on December 5.
Picture of the Day:
I really had no inspiration for tonight's pic and I don't think it turned out at all decent but I didn't want to quit on the 20th day when I'm so close to forming a habit. (It takes 21 days to form a habit. Yes, I'm looking at you, MC) So I went all over the house gathering up all the books I want to read or wanted to read. I really had unread or half read books in every room. Quite the stack.
Evelyn, I'm very curious about your 365 challenge. If it's a picture project and you'd like to share your pics, I'd be very interested to see. If it's some other type, I'd be interested in hearing about it. email@example.com If not, I completely understand.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I still feel twinges and thrums in my uterus pretty often. I felt it in the early hours this morning while I was laying awake in bed which is also when I would often feel him bubble and twinkle while he was still with me in the flesh. The Reiki Lady said my uterus was "holding on" to Greyson and I wondered if, now eleven weeks and 4 days after losing him, it was just physical twinging and thrumming or if it was somehow Greyson's spirit hanging on letting me know he's still with me.
On the drive to work, I was thinking hard about all of that and everything else Reiki Lady had made me feel and what she'd said to me. I'm not sure what possessed me but right there in the car I had a little talk with my uterus saying it was ok to let Sweet Pea go. I'm going to be ok and we don't have to hold on. Afterwards I felt an easing of sorts. A calming. Then, I panicked because I'm not really ready. Not ready at all and I can't believe I didn't wait for some peaceful moment at home or in nature to have that talk with my uterus but did it during a rushed drive on the way to the most stressful place in my life. What the hell was I thinking? What if he left and I didn't feel it or cherish it?
For the billionth time, I wonder: Am I going crazy?
I read somewhere recently about angels communicating through numbers. I think it was someone's blog but I don't remember whose (Sorry!). It said something about series of numbers such as 111, 222, etc. being messages from angels. I have a thermometer by my bathroom window and when I went I came home tonight it said "55.5". It rang a bell for me remembering that blog but I really thought it was just random. I had the thought that if I see another one right away, it's Greyson. When I went into the bedroom and looked at the clock it said "4:44". Was that random or was that Greyson saying, "Mom! What's it going to take?"
Am I nuts to feel....certainly NOT lucky but privileged? honored? I'm not sure the word for it. I had a special life come full circle within me and move through me. The curtain to something bigger has been lifted a little for me.
Is this what "acceptance" feels like?
Or should I be on the way to a padded room?
Tomorrow I could be back to square one and a blubbering idiot.
Who the hell knows.
Picture of the day:
I wish I had a better camera. It looked so much better with my eyes.
The girl in the background with the bright smile is Latajhia. You might remember she was the one who asked about my baby and whose aunt's baby died too. Lately she's taken to jokingly calling me by my middle name once in a while when there's no one else around because it's her middle name too. I indulge her because, as you can imagine, she's special to me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Picture of the Day:
Picture of the day (Take 2):
Two buddies taking a break from recess.
Which version do you like better?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Then the session started and it was different from my first one. Although, I had really looked forward to it and had a lot I wanted to work on, there was some sort of resistance from within me during the session. Afterwards, Janet said the left side of the brain sometimes gets in the way. During my first session, my mind was completely void of thought but it was different this time. Thoughts of people and pictures kept coming to me in a gentle way. The faces of certain friends, students and coworkers came to me. Stretch came and stayed in my mind for a long time and thoughts of each picture I've taken for the 365 Challenge floated through my mind. A baby showed up. I was throwing it in the air and it was laughing.
Physically I felt a lot of the same sensations I'd had before only milder. The gold light didn't come to me as readily as it did before, I had to really work at it. She worked a long time on my knees which I'd told her had been bothering me since the Zumba session and she was a long time at my ovaries since I'd told her I hadn't had a period since losing Greyson. Afterward she said my right knee was angrier at me than my left. I must admit my knees have felt much better all afternoon. She said my ovaries were asleep, my right much more so than my left. Guess my right side is just all jacked up.
I told her of this baby I'd seen and that I'd seen it before at it's first birthday party. I asked if it was Greyson. She said it was not Greyson but probably another baby who would come into my life. She told me I had a strong and deep mothering instinct within me.
She said my uterus was still holding on to Greyson, although healing was taking place, I was still holding on. She said that Greyson had known that he would not have fullness of life, he'd known that his job on this Earth was to be here for me, to teach me lessons. She said she'd "gotten" something about the pictures I've been taking. She said each one was a message from Greyson. I started crying and explained that I'd been waiting and waiting and searching for some sign from him letting me know he was ok. She said of course he was, his job was to move through the living Earth and through me.
She talked of my right brain being very active and moving softly all the time. The creative side. I said I don't do enough with that side. She said that I was by taking the pictures but the left side of my brain keeps getting in the way, telling me I'm not good enough, etc. She told me to be easy with myself. I mentioned that it was a lifelong thing. She told me she'd "gone back" and that I'd been this way since I was three. Something happened then that triggered the negative self talk.
How could she know all this??? How? I know all this stuff sounds absolutely batty. I know. If I hadn't experienced it myself and I read it on someone else's blog, I'd probably think they were a little off. All I know is that this woman has extraordinarily strong and beautiful mojo and physical problems go away or lessen after a session with her. Emotionally, I feel more complete when I leave.
As I left, I was trying to thank her and could hardly get the words out. She thanked me so enthusiastically and acted like it was a special gift to work with my energy.
I got Chinese food and had lunch at Mom's afterward and told her everything. I think she believes some of it and thinks some of it is craziness. Dollface was there and wanted to come home with me for the afternoon. We watched a lot of silly animal video clips on youtube and ate popcorn. I tried to suck as much youthful energy out of her as I could while she was here. :)
Picture of the Day:
My cousin and his trusty dog, Sally.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I thought it was quite clever of me to shoot peeking through this foliage.
But the best part was the time with my friends. It is wonderful to be with the Yas, who are completely accepting and love me for who I am. The lovely, tranquil setting and ideal weather along with ice cream (thanks JS for the idea and MB for treating) made it a perfect day with my girls.
This is not the best picture of the day compositionally and it does not show all the Yas but I LOVE this photo because it shows the spirit of the day. Just us girls, relaxed, laughing and enjoying the gardens, the weather and eachother. I love you, Girls!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
My third grade teacher was there. Looking and sounding just the same as she did 30 (30!) years ago. That made me more self conscious. I'm friends with her on FB but she doesn't check in very often and I just kept thinking, did she know I wasn't pregnant anymore? Did she even remember that I was? Would she say anything? Stupid overdrive brain!
There were teenagers behind me which added to my discomfort. And a few of them were boys who were stinky. Well, then the exercise got really hard and I struggled to keep up and there was twirling and a lot of jumping and everything got really fast.
Thankfully my friend, AT, was there and because she was encouraging me I kept the tears on the inside mostly and actually made it through the hour class. I can't believe I did it. I know if AT hadn't been there I would have walked out. I'm glad I did it.
I came home to three men working in my kitchen. Dad, E and R. They stabilized the island, installed the dishwasher and put some extra screws into the cabinets. While they were doing that, I worked on cleaning out the garage of all the old flooring and cardboard from the cabinets. Later, Stretch and her weird friend stopped by. They were having an "adventure" which it seems consisted of walking across the pasture and splashing through the branch.
Now my back seems to be out of whack and my stomach is troubling me. Quiet night in store: me, wine, TV and ibuprofen.
Picture of the day:
Didn't turn out really well considering the time I put into it. Thank Gawd it was a "lazy" shot with me just sitting there playing with settings on my camera. I couldnt' get the shoes to be crisp and dark. And I wish there was a "cooler" picture on the TV. I think I was watching a Scrubs rerun.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Reality comes back to me in a slow sigh during the drive home.
I sure miss my Sweet Pea.
Picture of the Day:
A bowl of large crystals arranged around some sort of bulb as a night light in the massage room.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Something was wrong with Clara B. when I came home. She could hardly use her back legs. Like her back end was drunk or something. My first thought was that she blew out her new knee or that the other one had blown out. Then, I thought maybe she had a small stroke or something. The vet took x-rays and said that she has arthritis in her back. I have three medications for her and can only hope she improves in the next few days. I'm not a vet of course but just doesn't seem like arthritis to me. How could that come on so suddenly? Why?
I finally got a nice, hopeful response from Dr. AA. It is with mixed emotions of every kind that I made an appointment.
Everything is so emotionally complicated now. Even rushing Clara B Dog to the vet and wondering how I would survive if it was serious and I had to let her go too. At the same time, thinking, oh well, I've survived the worst and it can't hurt more than that did. Zoe Cat ran away this fall and I'm not sure I can stand the house without Clara B. I'm such a mess.
Picture of the Day:
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
But how do I explain that it ended up being a comical but sad situation. I went to the Funeral Man's home and met with him and his wife. This older couple are local small town people and were good friends of my grandparents. I knew right away something was off. It was obvious they had gussied up for my visit. The wife had heavy clownish old lady make up on and what looked like a wig. When it came time to fill out the forms the Funeral Man had his wife do the writing but she kept making mistakes and having to cross things out. She would get a little flustered but Funeral Man kept gently correcting her and insisting that she keep going with it. I thought maybe she was hard of hearing. There ended up being quite a few cross outs and I won't be surprised if the stone says, "Gary son of Peggy" or something instead of Greyson P. Son of Paige.
Greyson P son of Paige --what heartrending words to have to write on a cold stone.
WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
It will NEVER feel right to see those words on a stone above my sweet baby boy.
As I was leaving FM stepped outside with me and explained his wife suffered from Alzheimer's and he tried to involve her in this kind of thing to help with the dementia. I could see then the kindness of this gentle man and I knew the words on the stone marking the grave of my son would be correct and if they weren't he would make it right.
Neither Dr. AA, who I emailed about trying again nor Dr. H, who's office I called for a referral to a fetal-maternal specialist, have returned my contacts. I'm trying not to read that as a bad sign or some sort of stupid omen that things won't go smooth or that I shouldn't go forward. Which is just a stupid thought from my stupid overdrive brain. It's just the randomness of the world. Right?
Picture of the Day:
Monday, February 14, 2011
Oh my beautiful boy, my heart, my love.
Today I contacted the Funeral Man about getting a gravestone for him.
And...I contacted Dr. AA about trying again.
Life is really is going on.....
Picture of the Day:
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I think I've mentioned that it is a very small country church. Deserted at noon on Sunday. I just walked in and sat, in the quiet, talking to God and crying for a long time.
It felt horribly wonderful to sit in the familiar pew washed with warm light. Wonderful because I was able to fully talk to God in a way I haven't been able to since my beautiful boy died inside me on Dec. 4. Horrible because this kind of overwhelming anger, sadness and despair is truly appalling to feel, almost unspeakable.
I raged and raged at God and asked every "why" there was to ask. And I cried and cried. Every emotional scab I've managed to achieve was ripped open and again I wondered if I'd survive.
I told God I hated Him and if he'd been in front of me as a person, I would have physically murdered him. Simultaneously, I experienced horror and shock that I could feel this way.
Eventually I was burned out of anger and wrung dry of tears. I sat there longer still and finally a modicum calmness came. This is far from over between God and I but finally I'm able to pray a little.
I left my church and took a long walk. It was cleansing to feel the sun, warm on my face and the breeze in my hair.
Maybe next week I'll go to Pastor Jackie's church.
Or maybe I'll go back to my church and have it out with God again.
Picture of the Day:
Saturday, February 12, 2011
I thought I could find something interesting to photograph with all the ice and snow melting around here (Thank the Lawd). Didn't turn out as well as I thought. It's a place where the snow and ice has melted and caved in creating a puddle. It's on the side of a shed where melted ice from the shed roof was drip dropping. I thought it sort of showed the drips. Don't know...not really pleased with this one but did learn to retouch as there were little dirt spots around the edge. Isn't it great...get rid of all the ugliness with just one click.
Here's a bigger shot of where it was taken. The actual puddle was just in front of where Dollface is standing now. The girls have had such fun with all the ice and snow. At one point, tying the sled onto the four-wheeler and pulling it behind. Today, Stretch was pulling Dollface by hand and they were having a lot of laughs and getting very wet.
I'm thinking of taking a writing vacation. What's the point? It's just the same sad, bad stuff day after day anyway. Lather, rinse, repeat, repeat, repeat. Perhaps I'll skip the emotions and just give a cold, hard report of the day's events.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
In brighter news, I received a surprise and completely anonymous package in the mail. A caring card and sweet locket engraved with "Mom". I've been straining my brain looking for clues to figure out who may be responsible. If it's any of you out there in the blogosphere, I want to say thank you so much for brightening my day. Seeing the word "Mom" on the necklace and knowing it's referring to me as Greyson's Mom warms my heart.
Picture of the Day:
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I've been very honest about this blog being a crapfest for a while. If anyone cannot handle that, then DON'T read.
I'll be sad and depressed as long as I need to be and write about it as much and as negatively as I want. That time frame will NOT be dictated by those who think the almighty pain of losing a child can be muffled by buying a new dress.
Let me reiterate, if you can't handle the raw emotions I write about or the words I use, then STOP following my story.
And again to those I consider sisters....Thank you.
Picture of the Day:
One of the cutest things in the world is a child who is missing their front teeth. They come to school so proud to show me their gap toothed grins after they've lost a tooth and it's so exciting to everyone in our class when someone loses one at school. I tried to "set up" a few shots with kids in my class showing their jack-o-lantern smiles and they were ok but this shot was the best of the lot. I snapped it very quickly as the kids were leaving.
- the sparkle in my eyes
- the Osmond worthy smile
- the flush of new pregnancy on my cheeks
- hair that while tousled at 2:30 am was clean and had been cut and colored recently
- well groomed eyebrows
- the little crow's feet that indicate a person who smiles a lot
- the look of dulled pain in my eyes
- the puffiness of my cheeks
- the pallor of my skin
- greasy, uncolored hair
- unkempt eyebrows
- tired looking eyes
- the pinched tight look between my eyebrows
- the jowls and double chin that are prominent because of the absence of a smile
How could things have changed so drastically?
I'll find a way to pull out of this. I will.
Positive stuff NOW:
- I learned how to put writing on pictures! Yay, me!
- And I'm becoming excited about the 365 challenge-ish
- I think I've pulled my brother into the challenge-ish
- I was successful in my mini-challenge and exercised 4 days in a row. (So was my sweet friend, Belinda, Yay, her!)
- We've set a new challenge: Exercise 5 days in a row and record everything we eat for 5 days
- I had a great afternoon with MC. We saw "The King's Speech" and had Mexican food afterward. I loved Colin Firth before but now I really love him. He conveyed so much about his character through his eyes and body language. I was swept up in these characters and their role in history. At the end, when the teacher is helping the king give his speech, and the king is successful, I felt their triumph. As a teacher, I could identify with experiencing that triumphant moment with the student, when they become successful after having worked so hard.
- Talking with MC made me realize yet again that what happened really showed me who my true friends are. It's easy to stay away when things get tough but it takes hardcore friendship to do what's difficult and be around a person who might cry at any time or who may lash out or do/say something crazy. (JC the BM, girls...JC the BM)
- Dollface has come up with head lice and she was here overnight on Friday. The positive part is: she didn't sneak into my bed during the night like she sometimes does.
- I almost went to church today....almost. I've decided next week, I'll get dressed and drive to the church. I may have to sit in the parking lot for the whole hour but I will at least show up.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I've been on a two day binge of epic proportions. The food issue is so complex. I was free of it while I was pregnant and even afterward to some extent until now. I've been successful with my exercise mini challenge but what is the point when I'm eating vast amounts of junk? Or when I lay around the house for hours at a time staring at stupid TV that I can't even focus on?
Feeling sorry for myself and binging does not honor Greyson. It does not show my love for him at all. Getting pregnant with him was the one wonderful thing I've done, and somehow I managed to screw it up. Now I can't even honor him by grieving in a respectful, loving way like a mother should.
I've got to find a way to pull myself up and focus on moving forward. I can't let myself slip so far down. Everything just seems so meaningless.
Dollface was here to spend the night last night. I guess she'd been cooped up at home too long and just couldn't stand to stay home while Stretch went skating. We played dolls and it gave me a bittersweet, crazy feeling cuddling that doll close and dressing it.
Dollface went home at about 9 and I pried myself off out of the TV watching chair at about 3pm.
MC and MB you've sucked me in to your 365 Photo Challenge. I don't know if I'll be able to stick with it daily as you both are doing so wonderfully but it was fun today to walk around looking for creative shots. Guess it will be a challenge-ish for me. Thanks for the inspiration and encouragement.
Picture of the Day:
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I "Walked Away The Pounds" this morning. That's an exercise video for jumbo sized people who can't do too much. I really do feel so much better mentally if I move more. I'm issuing myself a four day challenge to do an exercise vid every day. I'm going to try to
I went to the Tile Place and gave Tile Lady a down payment for the kitchen stuff. Whew. What a load off my mind. Like so many things these days, it doesn't really matter to me that the couch has become a storage place for dry goods or that even if I did want to make brownies, I probably wouldn't want to dig the mixing bowls out from under the bed where lots of kitchen stuff is being stored for the duration but it will be nice when the actual kitchen is functioning again. Unfortunately, that won't be for at least four more weeks.
Then I took myself to see Black Swan. What a beautiful clusterf*&^ of a movie! I really identified with Natalie Portman's character because I'm a dancer too. NOT a thin starving ballerina striving for perfection. However, I do dance on the edge of sanity just like her character did. She did a fancy ballerina leap over to crazytown. I hope I never have the need to do that. I'd probably throw out my back. I loved looking for all the foreshadows, background references to birds and all the control and mind games. I can see why there is Oscar buzz.
I was staring out the window this morning, as I'm wont to do so often these days, and I couldn't help but notice the way the rising sun shone on the ice covered tree making it look as though it was made of glass.
Inspired by my camera wielding friends here and there , I had to snap a pic to share with you. I wish I was a better photographer with a better camera so you could see it like I did. It probably didn't help that I was too lazy to actually go outside and take the picture but took it from the window.
And here is a bonus shot of Clara B. Dog. She has a barely noticeable limp now, however, she thinks she's completely recovered and runs about in an untroubled and happy-go-lucky way.
Oh to be an untroubled and happy-go-lucky canine.....
Then, I posted on FB that I needed some gold light. Just as a lark...I meant Reiki gold light of healing but I knew most people would think I meant sunlight and I would love some of that kind of gold light as well.
Jae was one of the responders, "I invite you to envision it and I will help ya out a little.....I did talk to my folks in New Orleans....sound good.... ???" About fifteen minutes later, I had a feeling of lightening. I wish I had better words to describe it. The ball of awfulness that tightens my chest up, fluttered away and I felt better...lighter.
I texted Jae, telling her what had happened and asking if that was her making me feel better. She responded that it was a little her, a little me and a little her Reiki master friends in Louisiana who she'd told about me. Can healing energy fly across miles like that? This is mystic, miraculous stuff...a little trippy and crazy but it doesn't matter.
This morning I woke at 5:30 wondering why I made it through the night and feeling that same sad, bad ball starting to form in my chest. Not long after, I felt that lightening again and I suddenly had a .... vision? thought? daydream? I can't say dream because I was awake.
It was my baby's first birthday. Complete with a beautiful baby in the highchair putting hands in a cake and everyone laughing. I lifted that baby out of the chair knowing it was beautiful and alive and mine. I don't think the baby was Greyson because it seems like I would know, without doubt, if it was him. I knew the baby was mine but I didn't really recognize it from my third person viewpoint if that makes any sense.
It was so real.
I could describe exactly what the baby looked like and what it was wearing. I could tell you every detail about the high chair and cake.
Was it Jae or her friends working their Reiki on me from miles away?
Was it Greyson trying to speak to me?
Was it baby number 2 trying to find me?
Was it simply my first daydream since losing Sweet Pea?
Was it just my stupid brain on overdrive?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Snowcalypse here in the Midwest,so no school. The county seems to be shut down and I probably won't have school for a few days. It's very hard to keep distracted cooped up alone here. I did a bang up job today, I have to say. Vacuuming, reading, laundry, exercise video, some organizing. Hope I can continue to stay busy even though it all seems meaningless.